It’s OK to Hurt

It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sick.

My husband says these things often. Not because he is ok with me being in pain or being sick – he is reminding me that what I am feeling is real. 

Even as I lie here this morning with severe muscle pain and feeling like I have a bad flu, my mind is focused on getting up and getting things done. So many things are waiting for my attention…groceries, laundry, bills. I want to make dinner for my family. There are projects all around me that I want to work on…Christmas gifts I want to make (yes, I know, it’s a bit early but I need to get started!), the back railing needs painting, there are landscaping projects I want to get done…the list is never ending. 

And so I try to talk myself into getting up and making life happen. I am essentially trying to convince myself that I am not as sick as I think I am. The battle in my head goes something like this:

“Get up! There is much to do!”

“My legs hurt so much. My gut is so upset. I need to rest today.”

“You can rest later. Just try to get up!”

Giving in, I sit up and attempt to stand much too quickly. The pain in my feet is unbearable and a black cloud covers my eyes as I become dizzy. Sitting down on the edge of my bed I think “I can’t do this.”

“Yes you can! Get up!!”

Arising slowly, I think about the first thing I need to do…start a load of laundry.

I put clothes in a basket and as I pick it up, pain rolls across my body like a slow moving earthquake (if you’ve ever felt a quake like that, you know what I mean; the ground sort of moves slowly up and down under your feet). 

“Don’t stop! If you stop, you won’t be able to start again!”

I take the basket to the washer and begin to transfer the clothing to the machine. Several pieces fall the floor and  I grimace as I bend to pick them up, feeling a knife stabbing my lower back. 

“You’ll get through this. Keep going!”

I start the washer and take a deep breath, realizing I’ve already expended every ounce of energy I have. 

And I hear my husbands words: “It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sick.”

The laundry will wait. My family will help. And I know they understand. But somehow I feel incredible guilt that I am not able to do my part. 

I never want to be in the mindset that I don’t need to get up. The things I want to do are not really as important as I try to convince myself they are, but I want to have purpose for getting out of bed. I want to be needed. I want to be a good wife and mother, a normal one. 

But life is not normal. The pain is real. I am still very sick. Somehow there has to be balance between the life I want to have and the life I am actually capable of living. 

For today:  It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sick.

For tomorrow:  Only God knows

#stayhopeful

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2 thoughts on “It’s OK to Hurt

  1. Praying for you sister dear. You are so amazing to me. Your writings are good the way you can explain everything. Are you thinking of writing a book. Much love to you and your family, Betty >

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    • Aw…thanks Betty! I actually started a book about 10 years ago. I would love to do that some day. But not at a point I can focus very well on a project like that. God has plans – maybe I just haven’t gotten the right content in my head yet. Love you so much

      Like

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