I am a very active person. I love to hike and kayak – and I love doing all things crazy with my husband and kids.
Of course, life has changed over the years. 10 years ago, when I was first hit by this disease, I had to learn manage my energy and pain so that I would have time to rest. I had to work around pain flare ups, reschedule trips and find creative ways to spend family time when I was in pain.
3 years ago all that came to a screeching halt when the dam broke and this disease flooded my body. The pain and sickness have been life altering. No hiking. No kayaking. No running on the beach or playing with the dogs or trotting around Disneyland all day. Just sitting – laying down – resting. And it sucks.
It has been devastating to watch my family run off to play while I have been stuck in bed. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world.
I am constantly focused on the things I used to be able to do and the hope that I will someday do all those things again. I realized the other day that the memories and the hope are ruining my fun.
I can’t kayak like I used to – but occasionally my husband and I take the tandem kayak out for a short spin on the lake. I can’t paddle, but just being on the water, feeling the cool mist on my face and soaking in the peaceful surrounds of a mountain lake is one of my all time favorite things. I have a choice – I can pout about the fact that I can’t control my own kayak – or I can sit back, let my hubby row, and enjoy the moment.
I choose to enjoy the moment. Whatever it is. Wherever we are. However I feel.
This weekend I was able to sit on the beach and watch as two of my daughters played with one of our dogs on the beach. They laughed as they would run into the waves and get their feet wet. Those moments will forever be etched in my heart.
Enjoy the moment.