If Only…

This past week has been one of the hardest in a while. Started out with a good visit to the Lyme doc in the Bay Area, a trip that doubled as girl time with my daughters.

Came home and crashed hard. Stabbing pain in my neck and head was unbearable. Hands and feet were numb and my face felt like all the bones were crushed. My entire body was overwhelmed with pressure and I couldn’t stand up without feeling like I was gonna come crashing to the floor.

Nausea and vomiting made it impossible to drink even a sip of water – and therefore, no meds of any kind which means three things: 

  1. Nothing to help ease the pain,
  2. Symptoms being combatted by certain meds started to return, and
  3. I began to detox from meds that require slower stopping.

Days went by and I started to become extremely depressed and near hopeless. 

IF I hadn’t gotten sick, I could go to the park with my kids and dogs.

IF… I could make dinners for my family.

IF… I could plan family vacations and spend more time with friends and family.

IF… I could make it to church and bible study and maybe even start a small group.

IF… I could do laundry, clean house and get things organized.

IF… I would still be working and have something to keep my busy mind from having these crazy thoughts.

Last night I cried and cried over these IFs and was reminded that

BECAUSE I am sick, my family is closer.

BECAUSE… my marriage is stronger.

BECAUSE… my reliance on, and trust in, God is strengthened.

It’s ok to have a pity party, just don’t unpack and live there. How? By looking for the good – and there  is always good.

My life is truly blessed. And my world, as chaotic and messy as it can be, is filled with joy and love. And that is all I really need.

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:4-9

Note: philippijoy comes from these verses which have reminded me continually to look for the good and to rejoice, even when the outlook is bleak. 


2 thoughts on “If Only…

  1. I just came across your blog. I was diagnosed with Lyme about 6 weeks ago, but the Lord has had me on this journey for a few years. I already know that I am definitely among the mild cases of Lyme. I can still function most of the time, just not as I have in the past. After reading some of your posts, my heart goes out to you. I will pray for you. My daughter said the other day “we are never going to be able to go (where she wanted to go) because you are always tired!” That hurt and I can still do most things, so I can’t imagine the struggle you have had. A few years ago I sensed the Lord was asking me to slow down. I have struggled with perfectionism and preformance. I was way over committed and was having a hard time figuring out just how to slow down. The same message kept coming up over and over to the point that I was feeling really disobedient, but obedience in this case seemed so elusive. I just was having so much trouble getting to the point I sensed the Lord wanted me. Then in August I started having headaches every day. I had been struggling with fatigue and body aches, but attributed it all to my hypothyroidism. I had jaw pain as well so thought it must be TMJ issues. Anyway… at that same time I finally realized I needed to take the steps the Lord was asking me to take. I backed out of basically all of my commitments, which to be honest was so hard as no one could understand my spiritual journey… heck, I hardly did. All I could say was “this is just where the Lord wants me right now”. My symptoms started getting worse (still thought thyroid) and I thought, I am going to get this under control! I didn’t think the roving pain was relatable and almost didn’t mention it to my naturopath, but that’s what made him suggest we test for Lyme. I thought I must be exaggerating my symptoms since the people I have known with Lyme have been debilitated and I am not. But the test came back positive and I am now going through treatment. It has answered so many questions. It’s hard to know if the Lord slowed me down because I have Lyme, or if he allowed the Lyme to slow me down, but I do know He is using it to refine me and all for His glory. Thank you for writing this blog about your journey and your faith. You are a strong woman!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow – thank you for the encouragement! I hate that others have to suffer – but it is always a comfort when someone understands.

      I am glad you are getting treatment early enough to keep from getting severe. There is hope! And that is awesome.

      It is heartbreaking that our illness affects our kids. My 17 year old says she doesn’t remember me when I wasn’t sick. Ouch.

      I love your attitude and I believe God is doing good things through you!

      Please be encouraged to stay in touch and let me know how your treatment is going. I write a lot about the challenges and really need to share more about the good God is doing.


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